This is not at all an uncommon phrase. Who can blame you for wanting to know exactly how, and why, you were betrayed? It's completely understandable to want to know things like: who this woman is; her age, where she works; what she looks like; the things she did with your husband; what it would take to hurt her in the way that you've been hurt; and how she would respond if you confronted her. Notice that the concerns about the other woman are the things that I listed first. There is a reason for this. We wives who have been betrayed tend to obsess about her. We just cannot help it at first.
However, there are many other things that you probably want to know. Examples are things like: why and how could he do this to you?; was it because he wasn't happy?; does he still love you?; would this affair had still gone on if you hadn't found out?; and, is this person still in the picture?
This is most certainly not an exhaustive list, but you get the picture. And, these questions are most perfectly natural. But, from experience I have to caution you not to let this become your primary focus. If you do, it could keep you from addressing the things that really matter. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Why You Probably Really Want To Know As Many Details And Specifics As Possible About The Affair: I've already said that these questions are perfectly natural. But, you might not realize why this has become so very important to you. To get to the heart of this, you really need to examine what you are truly hoping to gain from your knowledge. Here are some things to think about to get you started.
Most times, we want the details because we want to know exactly how he pulled this whole thing off. We want to know how and why we missed these clues. Because, the whole underlying fear with this whole thing is "what if I let him back in and he does this again?" So, whether you realize it or not, what you're likely trying to do is to learn his little tricks and tip offs so that you will recognize them in the future.
And, this is true even of women who ultimately divorce their husbands. Even if you don't quite buy it right now, sometime in the future you're going to either resume your relationship with your husband or you are going to fall in love with someone else. So, you want to know the signs so that you will never be blindsided this way again.
Also, your competitive spirit and then your insecurity is going to come out. And, that's where she becomes the focus. What in the world would cause an otherwise good man to betray you? What kind of person could do this? You want to know about her because this helps to answer the question of who on earth shook your world in this way. And, it's inevitable to wonder if she is better than you in some way. (She's not.) I'm sure you already realize that this is just pointless and only makes you feel worse. But, if you're like most others, you can't seem to help yourself. Your thoughts always seem to go back to her, or them, or how your life has now changed.
Finally, you often want to know just who you should direct your anger toward. Did any of your friends know? Has anyone else deceived you? It's normal to become obsessed with these details because you don't want to allow these people to make a fool out of you any longer.
Why You Eventually Need To Let This Obsession Over The Details Of His Affair Go: As I said, having this need for answers is natural. And, you do need some answers so that you don't feel like everyone is still being dishonest. But, there is a huge difference between getting the answers that you need and becoming obsessed about this so that it's all that you think about and so that you allow it to follow you around without a moment's peace.
Some questions can not be answered. And, the answer to some questions are only going to hurt you. Yes, you need to know that your husband is rehabilitated, is sorry, and will never do this again. You need to know if he still loves you, where his thoughts are, and how he went about this rouse. But, you probably don't need to know every restaurant they went to or what perfume she wears or how much money she makes. These are the kinds of details that lead down a deep and winding path that is so hard to find your way out of.
Because, at the end of the day, I know that deep down most of us want these details because we think that they will help us to move on. Often, they don't. Sometimes, all they do is feed our obsession. They put images or assumptions or doubts in our heads that only make us more miserable and only contribute to our doubting ourselves more.
When you find yourself in this downward spiral, you must interrupt it. This woman ultimately wants to worm her way into having an important place in your life. Do not let her have it. This is about you first, your husband second, and your marriage third. Yes, you need the details that relate to these three things. But, the details about people and places outside of these three things only confuse things and could ultimately delay your progress.
I know that the details are probably bogging you down and causing you pain. I know it's hard to get past them, but you can do it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. I've outlined the whole thing at at http://surviving-the-affair.com/. Take a look if you like.